Its quiet.

this weekend has been different for me. 

the snow has started falling which means my husband is gone, plowing snow for 12- 16 hours at a time. with the forecast this weekend of pretty much non stop snow from saturday afternoon into monday, my mom and dad offered to take my oldest for the weekend to help out and make it easier for me. so from saturday afternoon, until tomorrow, monday morning, he is at their house. its nice for him as he gets one on one time and time away from his normalcy and his little brother who follows him everywhere. so, i was happy he was off to mimi's house. 

but this house? this house is too quiet. its too quiet. it doesnt even matter that im exhausted because the little one took a late nap yesterday, didnt fall asleep till 11:30pm, was up out of bed by 4am this morning after trying everything to get him back to bed. and then on top of that, he didnt nap today. i tried everything. alas, no break or rest for me today. yes, its easier with just one child considering its snowy, my husband is gone, etc etc whatever, but without my oldest, im lost. 

im. lost. 

i had no one to boss me around and tell me what to do, where to go, what to cook. hardly any messes to clean up. without him, there is a massive void. a void that can only be filled by him.  

i was so lost. 

my oldest pushes my buttons, on a daily basis, all i ask for in my mind is a break. a break from the constant fighting, the chaos, the noise, etc. 

i got that today. and i wont miss it. 

i miss him. <3 

by 9AM....

im a mom. chances are, if you are reading this, you are a mom too. or maybe not, whatever. i guess i should start off with a bit of an intro so you can see where i am coming from. i have two children, both boys. they are 5 and 2.5 years old. i have been a stay at home mom since the minute my oldest was born. the day before his birth, unexpectedly 3 weeks early via c-section, i was working a 9-5, living with my husband and my two cats, doing my thing. a young professional with 3 weeks left until my due date when my life was going to change. my appointment at the OB the next morning was a saturday where i would have a non stress test done due to some medical complications with the umbilical cord. that day would be the day my baby did not pass the non stress test. which means he needed to come out. his heart rate was dropping. 3 hours later, he was born via csection. and life would never be the same. i wasnt ready... i wanted my three weeks!

from day 1, hour 1, minute 1, he was not an easy baby. and so my life began.... and remained.... not. fricken. easy.

he didnt latch right for nursing, he didnt sleep, constantly ate, constantly cried. and here we are, 5 years later.

but thats not what i am here to talk about. 

life as a mom. i dont care if you are a working mom, stay at home mom, work at home mom, whatever.  your life is tough. and us, as moms, are not there enough for each other. where the fuck is my village?! 

on a daily basis, i am just me. i dont pretend to be someone i am not, i dont try to impress others, but i do try to be kind, and helpful and understanding. especially to other mothers. ive been through a lot as a mom. a lot. and i get it. so have you. theres really nothing you could say to me that would make me think youre strange, or not a good mom (we all have our moments of losing it), or make me think differently of you. at the end of the day, were all just trying to survive. but most moms dont dare speak of the craziness or we will be judged. indefinitely. 

im a hot mess. i usually wake up in my kids beds because i am too tired to go put them back in their bed and stay conscious enough to make it back to my own, so there i am, and 5:30am with a tiny little face in my face yelling that he wants to go outside at 5 f'in 30 in the morning. before i even get to pee in the morning, ive already changed a diaper, started a movie or the wii game for my oldest, given the little a drink, fought about not going outside to play at 5:30am and broken up 3 fights about who knows what between the boys. oh, and have probably kissed a boo boo or two because my youngest hits his head on everything he walks by. i already feel insane and only 15 minutes have gone by... only 10 hours to go until the husband is home....sigh.........every day feels like the longest day ever.

after i get breakfast, and try to situate them and make myself a cup of coffee, i try, keyword, try.... to get myself put together a bit. change out of my sweats, comb my hair, and if i am lucky, i get to brush my teeth too. ooooooh what a treat a minty mouth before 9am is... right? not to mention maybe wipe my armpits with a baby wipe, cause ya know... 

normally, i end up in jeans, a tshirt, a messy bun top knot thing (whatever you call it) yesterdays mascara and some under eye concealer. good enough. although i still look like a hot mess. 

by 9am, the boys have fought with each other more times than i can count, making me have to yell at them in my death metal scream to get them to just stop. for the millionth time. i spend most of my days with my heart beating so fast in my chest just trying to keep it together as i keep the kids alive, ya know? they ask me for one thing and while i am getting that, they have already moved on to the next thing they want and i struggle to just keep up. not to mention while i am preparing request number 1, they are destroying my house. todays mess was using construction trucks in salt. fine, but my entire container of table salt dumped. all. over. the basement floor. but, it kept them busy long enough for me to drink that cup of coffee before i just give up, put ice in the damn cup and make the best of it. ice coffee it is, as usual. a hot cup of coffee, as you know, is hard to come by as a mom. 

this is just everything before 9am. its insane. send help, but dont judge, youre going crazy, too....

<3 Michelle